Happy Friday the 13th (a day late), everyone! In this blog post, I will rank and analyze for you all the movies of the Friday the 13th franchise. Why? Because Jason is my favorite horror movie character. There’s just something about how he can catch people who are clearly running way faster than he can, and he just sort of hobbles along and gets them eventually. Also his sense of style amiright?
All jokes aside, I’m pretty much ranking these so you don’t have to by watching them yourself. There are 12 movies, but only about 5 of them are worth watching. As I will tell you why below. Again, have fun watching the movies I recommend to you and Jason 4ever <3.
12. Jason X. This was the one they tried to go and make 9 years after the 9th one. Hence, X. It was just not a good time. It had a way bigger budget than all of the rest of them. And what did they do with it? WHAT DID THEY DO WITH IT? They sent poor Jason Voorhees to space. Why? Because they had already made 9 movies and driven the franchise into the ground, so the only way to go was up, up and away. Basically, it’s really far in the future and people are moving to a new planet because humans are the worst and polluted the earth too much. Jason has been captured by the government and they put him in a research facility for lord knows how long. No one can figure out why they can’t kill him, so they just freeze him instead to buy them some time. Well, that doesn’t work either so he comes out of being frozen and pretty much kills everyone in the research plant. Somehow Jason gets on a spaceship that’s going to the new planet and he kills more people. That’s all there is. Do yourself a favor and don’t waste 2 hours watching this.
11. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. If it weren’t for Jason X, it would easily be the worst movie of the whole series. Once again, they had a pretty sizable budget. And what did they do? Horrible early CGI. They had originally planned this to be the last movie, hence, THE FINAL FRIDAY. But they really tried to make the third movie the last movie, then the fourth movie the last movie, etc. Long story short, the franchise needed to be killed before this movie became a thing. I honestly choose to believe that this movie doesn’t actually exist. In this one, Jason is still at Camp Crystal Lake, kicking ass and taking names. The FBI is trying to get him (for some reason?) and they end up blowing him up into like a million pieces. Then his pieces get sent to a morgue, but OH NO. He **possesses** the coroner! So then he just keeps possessing people like a weird hockey mask spirit, meanwhile some bounty hunter figures out that only someone in Jason’s bloodline can kill him for real, for real. Somehow, one of these family members gets a magical dagger that can kill him. Eventually someone stabs him with it and these huge devil hands pull him down into what we can only assume is hell. Like why?
10. Freddy vs. Jason. Ok so as much as I hate this movie I actually sort of love it for being so ridiculous? I don’t know that I need to give a brief Stephanie summary for this one, but just in case: Jason and Freddy meet up in hell but they decide they aren’t going to like each other. Basically, the whole movie is Freddy and Jason stealing people that the other was trying to kill. It’s good to watch if you want to laugh and how horrible the acting, dialogue, effects and everything else are. For cinematic enjoyment, however, it’s absolutely awful.
9. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. This one only stinks because there’s not a whole lot of plot. Like less plot than all the others, really. They had tried to end the movie series after the fourth one, and this was them basically trying to drag it back out without a ton creativity or imagination. The kid who killed Jason in the fourth movie stars again in this one (but it’s no longer Corey Feldman who plays him) and he’s moving to a halfway house after spending the last 5 years in a mental institution (killing Jason took a lot out of him.) The whole movie is this kid, Tommy, trying to figure out if the Jason he’s seeing is real or a hallucination. All the while, people are dying around him. After we discover it’s essentially someone killing in the style of Jason, Tommy kills this person in self defense but it pushes him over the edge. The movie ends with Tommy in a Jason mask at the moment where he’s about to stab the halfway house’s director.
8. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Okay tbh I really just hate it when they add magical things into the movie for no reason. Possession, magic powers, etc. And that is why I think this one is just too much. At the beginning of this movie, like almost all of them, we are supposed to assume Jason is dead. BUT NOT FOR LONG. Because there’s this chick, Tina, who accidentally brings him back with her psychic abilities. DAMN IT, TINA. She was only trying to bring back her dead father, though. Whoops. So this weirdo girl starts getting visions of Jason killing her friends. Then he actually does kill her friends. But then she is using her powers so much that eventually her dead dad comes out of the lake and pulls Jason back in. Why was her dead dad in the lake to begin with? Good question.
7. Friday the 13th: Jason Lives. This one is a little better because Jason is actually in this one. Tommy, played by a new actor, attempts to get some closure by cremating Jason’s body. But first he has to dig it up. Awk. But then some lightning kind of comes out of nowhere and it wakes Jason from his slumber and also gives him superpowers. So. Jason wakes up and Tommy is trying to warn everyone but they all blame Tommy’s mental illness and PTSD and don’t believe it. Once the body count starts racking up, the sheriff starts to suspect Tommy is the killer. But Tommy makes a friend and they start doing research in some witchcraft books because of course, and after a lot of fighting and almost drowning, Tommy chains Jason to the bottom of the lake.
6. Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan. This one is another that’s sort of ridiculous, and it was one of the worst-grossing of the entire series, but I find it great because they couldn’t figure out where to put Jason next, so they put him on a boat. A boat to Manhattan, to be precise. Essentially, somehow Jason wakes up from the bottom of the lake and he gets on this high school students’ ship. He kills most of the people before drowning in a sewer. That’s all.
5. Friday the 13th (2009). This movie was originally intended to be an “origins” film, but it sort of evolved into a re-imagining of the first four movies. It gives some background and some pretty solid plot points, hence its spot at number 5. There’s a sequence at the beginning that explains a little bit about why Jason is the way he is. Then we’re fast-forwarded to the current time, when four kids come to Crystal Lake hoping to camp out and search for some weed. Jason kills three of them but kidnaps one because she reminds him of his mother. 6 weeks later, some more kids come out to camp, and one boy comes looking for his sister (the kidnapped girl.) Almost everyone dies, and the kid does find his sister, but Jason gets her back and the movie ends.
4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. This was the fourth installment of the series, where they tried really hard to make it the last movie. This is the first time we see Tommy, but it won’t be the last because the poor kid has 2 more movies to be in. It’s classic Jason. There are a ton of kids partying at the lake and he kills almost all of them. That’s all you need to know.
3. Friday the 13th Part II. This was a hard decision to make, but this is the rightful spot for the second movie. Not a lot happens that’s original, but it stays true to the original. Also there’s a man named Crazy Ralph and a dog named Muffin.
2. Friday the 13th Part III. V IMPORTANT MOVIE BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST ONE WHERE JASON OFFICIALLY GETS HIS HOCKEY MASK, HOLLA. The disco soundtrack is great, Jason is great, the main girl has hallucinations of Jason’s mother, it’s a good time.
1. Friday the 13th. (1980). Obviously the first one is the best one. It only had a $550,000 budget, but this movie is fantastic. I’m not going to spoil this one for you, even though Kevin Bacon almost does it all by himself, but this movie is such a cult classic. Just watch it and love it forever.